I am literally shaking with anger. I want to make him hurt. I want him to feel just as bad as I do. I want him to feel what I’ve been going through for months now.
I’ve tried. Damnit, I’ve tried so freaking hard.
And yet, I still have feelings for him. WHY. WHY THE FUCK.
He treated me like shit, made me feel like I was the scum of the earth because I didn’t want to be friends with benefits. He made me cry more times than I can count. He hurled insults at me without a thought. And yet.
I still am a little bit in love with Ben Bellis.
WHY THE FUCK.
I am so angry. I want to punch him and not see that stupid little smirk that made my heart flip every time he did it. I want him to acknowledge he felt some fucking pain when we split up. Everybody thinks he’s the victim. I’m not gonna say I didn’t make mistakes. But they don’t know how much I put up with. How much I wanted to keep it together. How much he fucking hurt me and I pretended it didn’t just to make him fucking happy.
I let him take control. I haven’t done that with any boy since Dale. (And yes, I say boy. They’ve got a long way to go before they are men. ) I will never do that again. It’s become clear to me I can trust no one. No one except God. Humans will leave you bleeding and not think to pick you up.
I was strong. Last week, I deleted him off Skype and Facebook. I felt so damn powerful. It felt so damn good to be in control again and not have him there smirking at me knowing he was always in control. I did it. ME. And then he says those two fucking hurtful words: Bye, then.
Yeah. Bye. I hope I never see your face again. It’ll kill me. I have not felt this alone, this lost, since I was 16. And it’s all your fault. You made me fall in love with you. It was all just a game to you. A stupid fucking game. You only said you loved me when things were looking like you might get lucky. And if you said it outside your house, you’d never look me in the eye. You fucking coward. Was this your plan all along? String her along like every other boy has done. She won’t mind.
5 years. 5 years of friendship. Down the drain. You’re such a fucking coward. I NEVER GAVE UP ON YOU. EVER. EVEN WHEN YOU HIT ME WITH YOUR INSULTS AND IGNORED ME. I WAS ALWAYS THERE. What a fucking waste of my life. It’s obvious now, that you never gave a crap about me. And so I’ve got to start learning to do the same about you. But I can’t. And you know why? Because I can’t just block off my emotions. I can’t pretend like it never happened.
I was willing to give myself to you wholly and completely, even though I swore I wouldn’t. I’m so glad we stopped. Because otherwise I’d be completely broken right now.
So here’s to you, Ben Bellis - The boy who failed to break me. You never will. I forgive you for being a dick to me. I forgive you for making me feel like the worst person on the planet. But I will NEVER forget it. Don’t you worry.
I’m still shaking. I can’t deal with this anger. I don’t want to be like this, but he makes me so freaking mad. He makes me cry. He makes me want to die.